Dexter Durlin – PEG Scholarship Recipient, “Never Too Late to Follow Your Dreams”

FOCUS: Associate of Arts in Pre-education

Durlin, Dexter Photo editedDexter Durlin pursued his dream of a college education only after his children completed their own degree. He applied to Mitchell Community College to add an Associate’s degree in business to his auctioneer’s license; however, students and faculty encouraged him to consider a teaching career.

Dexter was gravely injured in an electrical explosion at work shortly after he graduated from high school. His injuries were so severe that doctors had to resuscitate him three times. He has endured more than 100 surgeries over the past 30 years.

 

Mitchell Community College faculty members recognized Dexter’s natural mentoring aptitude and appointed him the student representative for the Mooresville campus. Dexter also received the James Takes Award for demonstrating incredible perseverance. His ability to connect with students led him to switch paths and pursue a teaching career.

In the future, I see myself being able to encourage students through example that anything is possible, no matter what challenges life may hand them,” he said.

Dexter’s commitment to helping others constantly impressed students and faculty. He campaigned for easier access to buildings and restrooms for handicapped students and advocated for the redesign of a street crossing for student safety. Dexter also championed a program to help provide meals for students in need.

Despite pursuing a new career, Dexter still plans to put his auctioneer experience to good use. He hopes to serve as a benefit auctioneer for the Phoenix Society and the Be The Match Foundation.

My burn injury has defined who I am,” said Dexter. “It has made me a survivor, someone who appreciates life and all the highs and lows that are part of the journey. If it weren’t for adversity we would not realize how great our successes are.”

After Dexter completes his Associate in Arts with a focus in Pre-Education, he plans to transfer to the University of North Carolina at Charlotte to earn his bachelor’s degree. He is looking forward to his teaching career and knows it is never too late to follow your dreams.

Story contributed  with permission by AlloSource, one of the nation’s largest non-profit providers of skin, bone, and soft tissue allografts for use in surgical procedures and the world’s largest processor of cellular bone allografts.  AlloSource has pledged a 10-year gift to support Phoenix Society’s Phoenix Education Grant program for burn survivor students pursuing their post-secondary education.  AlloSource blog: http://www.allograftpossibilities.org

Chelsea Crawford, PEG Scholarship Recipient, Pursues Lifelong Dream of Being a Neonatal Nurse

Focus: Nursing


Crawford, Chelsea Photo editedBecoming a neonatal nurse has been a lifelong dream for Chelsea. She has always felt she was meant to work with children. An educational grant from the Phoenix Society for Burn Survivors, provided by a donation from AlloSource, will help her work towards her career goal.

When she was six years old, Chelsea spilled hot tea and burned her legs. Though at times it was difficult for her to walk, her injury inspired her to work harder and become stronger.

 

I feel as though my injury has transformed me into a better person and taught me never to take anything for granted,” she said. “My scars remind me every day that it could have been much worse and everything happens for a reason.”

Chelsea has always been passionate about working with children. She coached a recreational basketball league for third and fourth grade girls, which provided the perfect avenue for her athletic abilities and her desire to work with children.

Chelsea also served as a camp counselor for kids aged five to twelve. She excelled at bringing out each child’s individual personality and strength.

In addition to her burn injury, Chelsea also suffered two ACL tears. She endured two separate surgeries a year apart to fix the damage caused by basketball injuries. After each surgery, she completed one year of physical therapy before she could get back in the game.

She faced her recovery from her ACL surgeries with the same tenacity her recovery from a burn required. Chelsea did not let her injuries stop her from playing the sport she loved, and she challenged herself to do better.

Calvin, Chelsea’s twin brother, is also attending college this year. She is honored to have received an educational grant from the Phoenix Society for Burn Survivors because it will help her family with the cost of her education.

Chelsea is attending Dominican College in Orangeburg, New York to pursue her nursing career. She knows that becoming a nurse will require dedication, but she is prepared to work hard to make it happen.

My injury is something I will remember for the rest of my life, but it has taught me more than it has taken away,” said Chelsea. “I would never want anyone else to go through what I have been through, but if they did, I would hope it would benefit them in the end. When you can learn from a difficult situation it is a whole lot easier to deal with.”

Story contributed  with permission by AlloSource, one of the nation’s largest non-profit providers of skin, bone, and soft tissue allografts for use in surgical procedures and the world’s largest processor of cellular bone allografts.  AlloSource has pledged a 10-year gift to support Phoenix Society’s Phoenix Education Grant program for burn survivor students pursuing their post-secondary education.  AlloSource blog: http://www.allograftpossibilities.org

 

Phoenix Education Grant Recipient Pursuing Her Career in Physical Therapy

Rachel Anderson

Focus: Physical Therapy

Rachel’s experience overcoming adversity inspired her to pursue a career helping others do the same.

Rachel Anderson, burn survivor and PEG Scholarship recipient is focused on helping others overcome adversity.

Rachel Anderson, burn survivor and PEG Scholarship recipient is focused on helping others overcome adversity.

She received an educational grant from the Phoenix Society for Burn Survivors. AlloSource pledged an annual contribution to the Phoenix Society for Burn Survivors over 10 years to provide education grants for students like Rachel. She is a freshman at Lebanon Valley College in Annville, Pennsylvania. When she graduates from the rigorous six-year program, she will have a Doctorate in Physical Therapy.

 

This degree will allow me to help those who are going through the same thing I did,” she said. “In my future, I want help kids who need physical therapy. My life goal is to be a role model and show others that nothing can stop you.”

While in high school, Rachel excelled on and off the field. She graduated with a strong academic record and served as the captain of her high school’s lacrosse and cross-country teams.

In addition to being named Most Courageous Athlete and Most Courageous Runner, Rachel made the Athletic Director’s All-Academic Team and All-Scholastic Team.

Rachel also focused much of her energy on community service. She participated in mission trips, volunteered in soup kitchens, and did volunteer work at the Ephrata Community Hospital and Schreiber Pediatric Rehab Center.

My burn injury has shaped me in many ways,” Rachel said. “I believe I am a better person today because of it. This journey has taught me so much. I also believe that I am a more caring person because of my burn injury. So many people helped care for me; I have confidence that it’s my job to do the same.”

Rachel is grateful for the support of her family and friends. She is looking forward to a career that will allow her to provide her own unique perspective to patients going through physical therapy.

Story contributed  with permission by AlloSource, one of the nation’s largest non-profit providers of skin, bone, and soft tissue allografts for use in surgical procedures and the world’s largest processor of cellular bone allografts.  AlloSource has pledged a 10-year gift to support Phoenix Society’s Phoenix Education Grant program for burn survivor students pursuing their post-secondary education.  AlloSource blog: http://www.allograftpossibilities.org

 

Surviving the Holidays After a Loss: One Family’s Strategies for Coping

By James A. Bosch MA, MFTi

It never occurred to Tara Stackpole that her world could be turned upside down any more than it had been on June 5, 1998. That was the day her husband, Capt. Timothy Stackpole, NYFD, was severely burn injured in a Brooklyn structure fire when he and two other firefighters got trapped in a collapsed building. Timothy suffered third- and fourth-degree burns over 36% of his body. One of his partners died in the fire, and the other passed away a month later.

Timothy feared he might never walk again, let alone go back to work. He and his family faced a long journey of recovery, rehabilitation and coping with the many difficult stressors that follow a traumatic burn injury.

Timothy Stackpole with his youngest son, Terence.

Timothy Stackpole with his youngest son, Terence.

For many families in this situation, a particularly challenging source of stress is the aggressive “media storm” that often follows such an incident. “The media can be intrusive to your family life though during a difficult time like this,” Tara says, “You start to feel like your life is very exposed and sometimes out of your control.” Tara is grateful to be able to say that her family’s experience turned out to be fairly manageable, due largely to the assistance of the FDNY. The department not only provided manpower to deal with the reporters who initially “camped out” at the hospital, but it also sent others to the hospital to act as security for the Stackpoles.  

Despite the daunting outlook and overwhelming new challenges, Timothy was determined to rehabilitate and get back to his regular duties at the department. Tara was at Tim’s side as often as possible, juggling hospital visits with maintaining a household and taking care of their five children.  

With hard work, faith, and determination, Timothy not only achieved his goal of going back to work, but he also earned a bachelor’s degree.  On December 6, 2000, his name finally came up on the captains list; in March 2001, Timothy returned to full duty at the fire department; and by early September, he had received his eagerly awaited promotion. Tim was thrilled. He loved his job more than ever. Life appeared to be getting back to normal for the Stackpole family.

Then on September 11, 2001, the unthinkable happened—the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City. Two jet airliners hit the Twin Towers. For Tara and her children, the world once again turned upside down, but much more tragically and permanently. Timothy died.

After 16 years of marriage, Tara lost the love of her life, and Kevin, Kaitlyn, Brian, Brendan, and Terence lost their dad. Their hometown was in ruins around them. One of Tara’s first thoughts amidst the shock and the dust was, “Oh, my goodness, Christmas is going to happen! How am I supposed to give my children a Christmas?” She didn’t want her children’s future to include having to tell the story about how daddy died and mommy fell apart. What follows is the story of how Tara got through the first and subsequent winters, as well as other milestones and anniversaries.

Going Into Survival Mode

The first Christmas, she went into survival mode. Her first thought was, “I need to take my kids away from all of this and just get through it.” Her family and friends swooped in and took over—and didn’t allow her to escape. Tara’s willingness to rely on others helped her make it through. She took things one step at a time. “I couldn’t even open my box of special ornaments. Every one of them had a memory attached to it. Those memories would have been a knife in my heart.” That box stayed unopened, but a couple weeks before Christmas the fire department provided a tree and new ornaments.

“My husband was a very traditional man and loved having an open door policy during holidays and on special occasions,” recalls Tara. The family decided to keep alive the spirit of celebration Tim had embodied. They also blended old and new traditions; for instance, the following Christmas they took out the old box, decorated one tree with the special ornaments and a second tree with new memories.

Creating New Rituals

Another way Tara helped her kids was to createnew rituals.  One of these was a holiday breakfast, originally intended for Tara’s young daughter and her girlfriends. The event grew to include Tara’s other children and their friends as well. The now-annual tradition continues with Tara’s adult children coming home early for the holidays specifically so they can attend the “Stackpole breakfast.” Tara recalls stepping back on one of these special mornings while all the kids were filling her house with laughter and joy and thinking, “Darn, Timothy would have loved this. It’s something he would have done!” The new traditions have brought meaning back to the holidays while at the same time honoring the memory of their loved one.

Supporting Others

Tara eventually took a step that significantly improved her coping abilities. She accepted an invitation to become a Phoenix Society SOAR volunteer and got involved in a 9/11 family advisory board. The Phoenix Society for Burn Survivors SOAR program helps burn survivors and their families deal with the aftermath of a burn injury and get back to living their lives.

“When I was first asked to help as a SOAR supporter, I was hesitant because my husband was since deceased,” Tara admits. “But when I listened to what was being taught, I thought to myself, ‘I know how these patients and their families feel. I knew I could easily connect with them and help in some small way.”

Last year, Tara provided support for the family of an injured firefighter from her husband’s old department. It was the week before Christmas, and she would simply go and sit with them. “The holidays were basically a wash for them, all I could do is be honest and tell them there is no one way to get through this.” When the family remembers that first difficult holiday, they will surely also remember Tara’s loving presence and the specific, powerful support that comes only from someone who has lived through it themselves.

Tara speaks of her gratitude for a psychiatrist who visited her within a week of her husband’s death. The psychiatrist told her that grief is something you never really get over, but that it lives parallel to your life, like two strands. Sometimes those strands lay side by side. At other times, they intersect and cause a bad day or a tough moment. He shared his best advice for dealing with those hard times: honor them, give them the respect and space they need, and allow all the feelings that come up rather than fighting them or pushing them away. This advice, which Tara says has given her great peace and acceptance, is something she can now share with the families she supports.

Making Changes That Heal

After Tim’s death, Tara had to make certain changes in order to heal. One was to move closer to the ocean and to her family. Another was to stop feeling that she had to participate in every single 9/11 ceremony and event. Instead, a private Mass is offered in her backyard every year on the evening of September 11. There a core group of family and friends meet to celebrate Timothy’s life. Tara says the group changes and evolves, just like she and her children are evolving with Timothy gone. She recalls a particularly unforgettable year when the Mass was held during an especially brilliant sunset. Tara looked across the bay at downtown New York and saw the two spotlights from Ground Zero shooting up and through the colors of the evening. She became peaceful. She felt that Timothy was indeed there with them and realized that life does continue.

From left to right:  Kevin, Tara, Brian, Terence, Kaitlyn, and Brendan Stackpole.

From left to right: Kevin, Tara, Brian, Terence, Kaitlyn, and Brendan Stackpole.

For Tara, it is not just important dates that bring hard times. “Sometimes on the less significant days I miss my husband more…the private moments and private anniversaries are sometimes harder.” They are as much a part of the fabric of her life as the happy memories.

 Over the years, the most successful strategies become clear. “Do not be hard on yourself, lighten it all up. You don’t have to set out the entire Christmas Village, just take a few things out.  Share stories about your loved one.”

Tara gets great joy from hearing one of her kids say, “Dad would have loved this.” Moments like this are a reminder that we keep our loved ones with us through our stories. She encourages others to disengage from the materialistic aspects of the holidays now, to not wait for a tragedy to make it painfully clear what is really important.

 For the Stackpole family, keeping Timothy’s presence alive through stories brings comfort, and the blending of old and new traditions has helped them move forward as well. Tara also feels strongly that when you’ve lost a loved one, the best way to honor them is to live your life. “That is what we can do,” she explains “We can’t bring him back, but we can live a life he would want for us.”

Tips for Getting Through the Holidays After Losing a Loved One

No matter what holiday you celebrate and regardless of your chosen tradition or religion, it is possible to survive the death of a loved one and find meaning in the holidays again. The most important coping strategy to remember, especially during those first holidays, is to create space for difficult feelings and awkward moments.

Helpful Tips on Getting Through the Difficult Holidays and Anniversaries

Do only what feels right. There are no right or wrong ways to celebrate the holidays without your loved one. Consult with your immediate family and come up with a plan that works for you. Resist the temptation to do what you always did or to feel pressured into attending parties or occasions that feel too difficult.

Find peer support. Connect with other groups of individuals who are also grieving. Find a grief support group or reach out to an individual who you know has lost a loved one.  Find out how others cope with the holidays and you will learn you are not alone in your feelings.

Nurture, nurture, nurture. Respect your body during these difficult times and practice lots of self-care–bubble baths, walks, time alone, and distractions (such as movies). Pay attention to cues that you are overloaded and need to take care of yourself. Avoid harmful coping techniques, such as alcohol, drugs, binge eating, and not eating enough. Set limits and boundaries with others when you need space.

Additional Insights

Allow yourself to not participate in the hype. Try to disengage from the commercial aspects of the holidays. Give yourself permission to shop or not shop. Set aside the pressure to “keep up” with the hype of the season. If you have small children, ask for help from relatives and friends to help you create a holiday atmosphere for them. You can’t buy away grief.

Create ritual. Hang a stocking for your loved one, set a place for them at the Chanukah dinner, create memory alters with photos from past holidays, participate in your individual faith celebrations and remember your loved ones in services or by lighting candles for them.

 Helpful Pointers for Getting Through As a Family

Everyone in the family may grieve differently. Give each other plenty of space, and support each other when asked. Know that difficulty and conflict can arise in families as each family member may have different ideas on how to celebrate. The optimal way to deal with this is to openly talk with each other about the expectations and the roles people want to play.  Here are some holiday strategies:

1.      Share stories around the table about your deceased loved one.

2.      Look at old photo albums together.

3.      Observe a moment of silence together to honor your loved one.

4.      Place an empty chair where your loved one normally sat and place a flower or candle there.

5.      Decide which traditions you want to keep and which you would like to change.

Something experts seem to agree on, which is also emphasized in Tara’s story, is that the most important thing you can do is talk about your loved one. At functions, if you do not speak his or her name, often no one else will either. Say your loved one’s name, include them in stories of past holidays, and allow space for the tears that may come with these memories.

James Bosch was burn injured as an infant. He has dedicated much of his professional life in the service of helping other burn survivors and their families heal and find meaning after a burn. Acceptance of new life, new body, and finding new meaning are at the core of his work. He speaks and facilitates at burn meetings in Canada and the United States. He is a member of the Phoenix Society for Burn Survivors SOAR National Advisory Committee and is a consultant.

Phoenix Society’s Talent Show Participants Shine!

Last night’s Phoenix Society’s World Burn Congress Talent Show participants dazzled the audience with a show of amazing talent!  We would like to thank all the participants for their efforts and willingness to share their performances with their fellow attendees!  We would also like to thank the talent show emcees, Frank O’Donnell and Tom Stewart, for providing their talents as well.

 

Wrapping up our Skills and Moving On at UBelong

While today is the last day of UBelong programming, we know that the impacts for each of us will go on and on.  We wrapped up by reinforcing the skills from earlier in the workshop (our confidence through STEPS, Rehearse Your Responses tools, and bullying prevention tools).  Everyone got a chance to say out lout how important it is to be understood and  make new friends.

Our program closing ceremony included previewing the video we’ve been working hard at, as well as a ritual that reminds us all of how we are all important parts of the survivor community.  We may be leaving Providence tomorrow, but we will all take the lessons and support with us!

WBC 2013 Volunteers – We Thank You!

Phoenix Society volunteers give with their hearts and offer the many hands needed to make World Burn Congress an inspiring and healing week for all in attendance. Many give countless hours on top of their busy work and home lives to quietly work behind the scenes and make it all happen. We honor and value their contributions and would like to extend our deepest thanks for all they do.

“Our fingerprints don’t fade from the lives we touch” – Tyler Hawkins

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Whether you are a volunteer that has given an hour or worked with us for years, rest assured that the lives you touch are many and the gifts you give are great. We welcome your continued involvement in this amazing community.

With Heartfelt Gratitude,

Phoenix Society for Burn Survivors